Hi, my name is Katie and I’m a pretty average human being.
Carbs are my religion and smeared eyeliner is part of my usual aesthetic. Onetime, I woke up with an entire pizza in my purse. It was pepperoni, so that was cool.
To put things simply, I’m one of those girls who’s single and no one wonders why. It’s just a well-known fact I’d rather be making love to a hot plate of lasagna than a man who’s probably shorter than me.
Kylie’s life is anything but average. The girl can sneeze into a tissue and it’ll have more worth than my entire life.
I’m basically Kylie Jenner’s doppelgnger if Kylie Jenner ate 68,483,234extra calories a day and then got hit by a bus. Yeah, then we’d look identical.
I also went to college for four years, AKA I spent 1,460 days drunk eating nachos and those “just add water” Easy Mac cups. My mom bought me an entire stock of them from Costco when I was a freshman and they were gone within a week.
If I’m being completely honest (the Internet is a safe space, right?!), I gained some serious weight during my undergrad experience.
It just didn’t appeal to me to sustain a healthy lifestyle when I knew I had 24/7 access to dining halls with endless cookies, bagels and chips. AND they had self-serve ice cream. Ice cream is the best.
But now I have a full-time job, so the way I eat and drink has ~drastically~ changed.
I’ve naturally reduced my calorie intake over the past year because now I have to buy my own alcohol instead of stealing it from frats. I also have to cook my own meals instead of joining clubs to get free samples at the bake sale.
Over the past couple of months, I decided it’s time toget my high school body back. It’s the only way to make every boy who’s ever rejected me realize he made a mistake and I’m perfect (I’m kidding, roast me).
To help me on my mission, I decided to try Kylie Jenner’s favorite 28-day teatoxbecause, IDK, why the F not?
Kylie always posts photos with Fit Tea and claims it does wonders, so I decided to buy a bag and test it out for myself. What’s the worst that could happen? I become uglier? (Hahahha, I’m crying inside.)
Kylie Jenner’s favorite teatox really works, you guys, and I’m here to tell my story.
Here’s an artsy pic of my sausage fingers showing off the goods.
I tweeted at Kylie a lot to keep her updated on my journey.
— Katie Corvino (@kTc0rvin0) April 4, 2016
— Katie Corvino (@kTc0rvin0) April 5, 2016
She never tweeted back, but I know she was rooting for me.
— Katie Corvino (@kTc0rvin0) April 11, 2016
Here’s the thing about a teatox diet: You can’t just drink a cup of tea every day and still stuff your face with pizza. It doesn’t cancel out calories, it just helps you burn extra. I had to cut out a lot of bread from my diet in order to shed the pounds.
Here are some foods I thought about every time I ran on the treadmill because I didn’t eat them for the entire month: fettuccine alfredo, Cool Ranch Doritos,Boston cream pie, German chocolate cake, a block of cheddar cheese.
Dieting is hard work, but it was essential for me to stop eating like awhale.
when ur on a diet everything looks good 2 eat. gimme that expired candy & uncooked meat, wut do u think wood tastes like, let me bite ur arm
— Katie Corvino (@kTc0rvin0) March 25, 2016
I also had to exercise, which I haven’t done in a while. Teatoxing is great for people who are eating right and exercising regularlybut just want an extra boost.
It definitely helped me feel energized and got my metabolism going. I could feel the fat burning off my body. I was shedding layers like a snake.
This is what I look like at the gym. Bye bye, blubber. It’s summertime.
KYLIE, ARE YOU PROUD OF ME? THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!
— Katie Corvino (@kTc0rvin0) April 14, 2016
Going on a teatox changed my life. Yesterday, a man stopped me on the street to tell me my shoe was untied. Today, some guy held the door open for me at Starbucks.
I even got a solid 32 likes on one of my Instagrams without having to likeit from my fake account. I also went down a couple of jean sizes, so that’s pretty sweet.
It’s best to remember that results can be different for everybody. One of my co-workers went on a tea cleanseand it was the worst experience of her life. I guess I just got lucky.
Thanks, Kylie Jenner, you’re the real MVP of this story.